Monday, September 29, 2008

Musing on life lately

::This is not a post looking for sympathy, even though I sound sort of whiny, just doing what the title says::

I have been really tired the last couple of weeks. Not sure why. I have been taking my vitamins, so it's not that... It's getting to a point though where I have headaches from it (at least I think that's why I have headaches). The bummer of it all is that even though I am so tired I can't fall asleep at night, so I stay up late and then still have to get up at the same time which adds on to the problem. My back has been tight too lately, maybe from the lack of sleep? But I think that adds on to the headache bit, the muscles are just too tight leading up my neck and shoulders.

School... I LOVE ASL!! That class is a blast. When the teacher comes in we are not allowed to talk at all. We can only communicate in sign. So far I am doing really well in that class. Some of the other people seem to be struggling a bit to keep up, I think I am doing okay because I already knew some ASL before. I have been contemplating having a little group study session to help everyone practice and learn the signs better, maybe have dessert or even dinner for them... hmmm, I may have to limit who I invite as our house isn't very big.... Kyle has been trying to push me to open up more and let God use me, and I am not really all that comfortable playing the hostess. I mean, I love having people over, but getting prepared for them and remaining engaged while they are here is a struggle, I like to fold up into my own world more. This could be a good trial... If I can convince myself to do it.
Photography is fun, I love taking pictures and developing them myself, but it is becoming more and more difficult to stay caught up. I feel like I am fighting to get my pictures taken and turned in on time. It is past the deadline to withdraw from a class without it showing on your transcript, not that I need a good looking transcript since I already have a degree... Also, we will be going on vacation for an entire week during the semester and since I won't be able to develop or print anything I will fall way behind and have to really push to catch up.
I don't know how people do it, working full time and going to school full time, and making good grades! I am only working part-time, and taking two classes, but feel overwhelmed. I think it has to do some with being married and having to keep house too. But some people have done that too, on top of work and school, and I REALLY don't know how they do that!!!

And then there is God time which is practically non-existent sometimes lately. My heart feels it, a deep longing for something that is missing from my life, but I feel like there is just so much else that I have to do in this world and in this day, so God gets pushed aside. I know that if I put him first, everything else will fall into place, but that means letting go of my hold on things and letting Him direct life, and I desire that control too much, just ask Kyle.
There is a great demonstration of how this all works that I remember from Kids Club growing up. You have a Jar (your life) and put in Sand (free time, extra activities, family, friends), then some Gravel (Church, school, work), and then you have a Big Rock (God). The big rock doesn't fit in the jar! So you take everything out and then start with the Rock (God), then add the Gravel (Church, school, work), and then the Sand (free time, extra activities, family, friends), and there is plenty of room left over in the jar, so the teacher pulls out a pitcher of Water (extra blessings), and pours that on top of everything until it is overflowing.

I want to put God in the jar first (drivers seat, ships helm, at the wheel, in control, etc.) but I know that it means that I have to step back and merely observe, and that terrifies me. I like to be in control and I don't want to give that up, and yet I know that it will benefit me so much! Jenny posted a hymn that moved me and made me really think. It is one of my favorite old hymns
...Just from Jesus simply taking
life and rest, and joy and peace...
...Jesus, Jesus how I trust Him
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus
O for Grace to trust Him more

Dear Jesus, Give me Grace to trust you more. Turn the desires of my heart into your desires, and help me to love as you love.


Jacquelyn said...

I'll be praying that God will give you a renewed desire for Him but some of those "symptoms": being tired etc sound rather familiar if you know what I mean! ;)

Irish Girl said...

I'm sorry you are going through so much... could be stress too that is causing sleep problems and back pain!
As far as school... you just have to carve out time... I know you can do it! If I can, you can! Who do you have for ASL? I took it at Cuesta too. As far as photography... call Becka or Bre or one of the high school girls and have a photo shoot day! :) There is so much around there that you can photograph... you will be able to catch up!

Carrie Haughey said...

haha, NO Jacquelyn... not yet... ^_^

Kristen Borland said...

hmmm... tired, huh? yeah, i was thinking the same thing as jacquelyn. :) anyway, i'm sorry you've been tired and having headaches. that makes everything so difficult!

i also have trouble with hosting. it's not easy for me, especially the getting ready for it. i start to think i have to have a spotless house in order to have people over... but i live in the real world, and my house is never going to be spotless!! i guess it all just takes practice, forcing yourself to do it.

hey, so what's your degree in? and are you just taking these classes for fun, or are you going for another degree?

Kristen said...

Hey Carrie. Yeah, I thought the same thing as Jacquelyn and Kristen ;) I'm sorry about the headaches. I've been getting a lot of those too... especially the tension-type ones.

That is so neat you are taking classes! I think you would do a terrific job of opening up your home to other students. You can keep it real simple (like Digiorno pizza on paper plates and some ice cream from the freezer) and you will have plenty to talk about.. eer sign about.. to keep you engaged. I've learned that people aren't expecting perfection -- they are usually just grateful to be invited over. I also had to overcome some insecurities (like is our apartment too small, what if I have nothing to say, what if they notice the dust, and on and on..). I had to force myself to do it at first -- and it has become a lot easier and can be really fun :)

suedonaldson said...

this is an ongoing lesson - get this: I'm doing a retreat in two weeks on the topic of Intimacy with God and I've been way too busy working on it to be intimate with Him!! (Martha, martha . . .) sigh.
Hey, come join Curves with me - it's helped me get stronger - and no more back aches! I'd be happy to talk w/ you about hospitality. I may be doing a free teleseminar soon, but since you live here . . .